We all go through some spells of self loathing every
now and then. I'm there right now. I hate the way I
look, I used to be pretty but my face has changed a
lot in just five years and I'm not very pleased.
Before my mom died and my dad left I used to read a
lot and draw, I also were a bit into the theatrical thing,
I can say I was quite an interesting person, not as shy
and uptight as I am now.
I might hate everything about myself more right now
because of the vertigo and the fact that I got back to
this solitude from being very social (with my relatives)
for weeks. And the change of season.
I hate to be so f**king lonely and I hate that I can't get
myself to break this spell and just be a happy go lucky
kind of gal that I really want to be.
I'm very good at putting on a brave face and pretend
that everything is fine.
I worked so hard on myself (mentally) since I moved
here (I still suffer with a few disorders, mostly social
phobia) it feels like the person I once was is gone and
I don't like this wall flower I become...
I can't go outside so I'll just stay inside and pretend
to be someone else for a moment.
Oh how I wish it was a genuine smile...