Tuesday, 6 September 2011

SELF LOATHING

We all go through some spells of self loathing every
now and then. I'm there right now. I hate the way I
look, I used to be pretty but my face has changed a
lot in just five years and I'm not very pleased.
Before my mom died and my dad left I used to read a
lot and draw, I also were a bit into the theatrical thing,
I can say I was quite an interesting person, not as shy
and uptight as I am now.
I might hate everything about myself more right now
because of the vertigo and the fact that I got back to
this solitude from being very social (with my relatives)
for weeks. And the change of season.
I hate to be so f**king lonely and I hate that I can't get
myself to break this spell and just be a happy go lucky
kind of gal that I really want to be.
I'm very good at putting on a brave face and pretend
that everything is fine.
I worked so hard on myself (mentally) since I moved
here (I still suffer with a few disorders, mostly social
phobia) it feels like the person I once was is gone and
I don't like this wall flower I become...


I can't go outside so I'll just stay inside and pretend
to
be someone else for a moment.



Oh how I wish it was a genuine smile...

11 comments:

Vintage Coconut said...

I think you look VERY pretty... pretending to be someone else or not.
You have showed us a pic of you from years ago, and we have seen you now and I really do not think you look much different.

We all go through rough patches with feelings and emotions. I hope you start to feel more like yourself soon.

pronominella said...

Oj vad snygg du var i blondt! Jag onskar jag kunde blondera mig men skulle se helt dod ut. Jag tycker du ar fruktansvart vacker. Som du sager, alla har perioder men sant ar du inte vard tycker jag. Ta vara pa din kreativitet, du kan gora vad du vill och du ar sa fasansfullt duktig i allt du verkar gora. Stor kram!

Heidi said...

You beautiful, beautiful creature, I know how you feel and I hope you can find your way through all the desperation and despair and find faith and trust in the fact that you are an amazing person inside out... and enjoy it. By the way I hope to see those birds nest brooches in your shop soon;)

La Dama said...

Amor,
Welcome to my world, thats how I roll, thats why I cant do anything. I have become a hermit well not really always been a anti-social. hope you feel better soon. I know exactly how you feel. we painted our bedroom on the weekend and I had a severe migraine and I wasnt even painting. I swear I need my own bubble.
You look super cute despise what you think. your beautiful person. this has to pass. I learn to live with my migraines and chiari malformation. hope it all gets sorted soon.

Bitty Boss said...

Girl, stop playin! You are HOt and you know this. Once you feel better, you will be right as rain :-) Hang in there!

Dashfield Vintage said...

I know how you feel. I used to be like that too, in fact I was so bad once upon a time that I would only shower in the dark so that I wouldn't have to look at myself! These days I can hardly believe that that's the person I used to be. Just know that it won't last for ever, remind yourself of all your amazing qualities and don't be afraid to ask for help and tell people how you are feeling. xx

LadyAngore said...

Styrkekramar!
Såg att någon redan skrivit det, ta vara på dina kreativa sidor! Du är vacker som få, men ett vackert yttre ger inte automatiskt ett lyckligt inre.
<3

art deco dame said...

I think you're very beautiful.I hope you see that as well =)

Bella VonBluebell said...

You are so beautiful kitten. Hopefully this feeling will pass soon and just be a bad patch. Also i cannot see a cream bangle in your shop that you said about!? i do love that salad bowl set though. If its still there in a few weeks i can see that in my kitchen. xx

Dolly Cool Clare said...

Sorry to hear you are feeling crappy :( Have you thought about joining a craft group? I'm part of one near me, and have met some really nice, like-minded people. I think it would be good for you, build your confidence and self esteem and you get to be creative too which is always a positive thing to do :))

Kitten said...

The first step to getting better is often admitting that something is wrong and letting it out in the open. Many of us today are so concerned about having that perfect facade but luckily, more and more people are also more accepting than before and it's not a big deal or something to be ashamed of anymore to have social phobias, depressions etc. You don't have to pretend that everything is fine, it's ok if it isn't. Who's life is fine all the time anyway? I hope you find a way to find yourself again! <3